Trump Tonic: Take a Laughter Break

Knowing how hard it is to keep our legs under us doing this tough work, I included a chapter called “Glossary of the Walk: The Words that Keep Us on the Path” in my recent book Policy Walking: Lighting Paths to Safer Communities, Stronger Families and Thriving Youth. Well, the chapter is incomplete. It should have included a piece on laughter, an essential tonic, a core nutrient for our walk together.

And so…

Excerpts from a Letter to the US from John Cleese (British Humorist):

• To the citizens of the United States of America, in light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
• Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II resumes monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
• Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Theresa May, MP for the 97% of you who have, until now, been unaware there’s a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America. Congress and the Senate are disbanded. A questionnaire circulated next year will determine whether any of you noticed.
• You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns, or anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because you are not sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you need a permit to carry a vegetable peeler.
• Learn to resolve personal issues without guns, lawyers or therapists. That you need many lawyers and therapists shows you’re not adult enough to be independent. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

Excerpts from the Manitoba Herald, Canada:

• Canadian border farmers say it’s not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. “I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,” said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. “The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken.”
• In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to Canada for prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in powered wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the ‘50s. “If they can’t identify the accordion player on the Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age,” an official said.

Comments allegedly attributed to Trump:

• “Slingshots are for LOSERS. Goliath is going to make Philistines great again. David is going down, big-time.”
• “If Jocasta weren’t my mother, I’d be dating her.”
• “They say Homer wrote heroic epics. I like poets who aren’t blind.”
• “Moses parting the Red Sea. Fake News! Pharoah’s army drained it to build the Suez Canal, and made the Israelites pay for it.”
• “Jesus should release his real birth certificate. He was from Nazareth, not Bethlehem. And who’s the father?”
• “John Winthrop can keep his city on a hill. We’re gonna drain some swamp land in Florida and make an amazing golf course.”

Policy That Personally Makes Me Very Nervous:

To help save the economy, the government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors instead of immigrants in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs. Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home.

And Somewhat More Seriously – Progress since the Election:

• Unprecedented levels of ongoing civic engagement
• Millions of Americans now know who their state and federal representatives are without having to use Google.
• Millions of Americans are exercising more. They’re holding signs and marching every week.
• Tens of millions of people are now correctly spelling words like emoluments, narcissist, fascist, misogynist, holocaust and cognitive dissonance.
• Now, more than anytime in history, everyone believes that anyone can be President. Seriously, anyone.

My depthless thanks to friends who send me these tonics. Keep ‘em coming.